Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I have been talking to someone on a daily basis over the internet for nearly a year now. He lives in New York and I live in Louisiana. He flew here for a week two months ago. We met and spent the entire time together. He’s planning to fly here again in July. I was in an abusive relationship in the past and he has been a wonderful source of strength and encouragement in my life through this past year. I asked him last night if he saw me as a girlfriend or as a friend. He said that I was his best friend and the most special woman in his life and that I always would be. It bothers me that he didn’t say “girlfriend.” Would you interpret the answer he gave me as meaning that he wants me as a girlfriend or that there’s no chance for that? I just want the opinion of someone who is objective.
Signed,
Not Happy
Dear Not Happy:
How you gonna have a boyfriend that lives that far away? Isn't that rather unrealistic? I mean, so what you talk on a daily basis on the Internet? What is he doing in his life OFF THE COMPUTER? And who is he doing it with? I think you are looking at a title instead of the most important thing - the structure and depth of the "relationship" that you have. Right now all you have is an online pen pal, someone to talk with, and if you slept with him, then a part-time "when he rolls through town" bed buddy. This is nothing special. The timeframe and distance allows for him (and you too!) to be doing the same thing with many other people.
It's great he has been a positive influence in your life, but you need to stay focused on WHAT IS, not WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE. His answer tells you that he sees your relationship as friends with special privileges (if you allow them). Realistically, like I said, most people don't want a girlfriend or boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away because there is just too much opportunity for loneliness and therefore cheating. People need intimacy on a regular basis - to be around their loved one for a relationship to solidify. And for it to solidify into something real, we need to see each other in all our glory and in all our negativity as well. You may have the basis for something, but since you've been chatting for a year and only seen him once, I would say to slow your roll and don't focus on this guy as being anything more than an occasional sex partner and online buddy. You need to get off your computer and into the real world girlfriend. Meet yourself some guys that are local and starting dating them.
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I met someone over the internet and we correspond everyday and talk just about every other day. He's sent me his picture and I've sent mine and we are both very attractive people. We have both managed to stimulate each other mentally and emotionally. We can discuss anything with candor and honesty. The problem is this: he is in the Navy and is stationed in the Middle East. He has offered to shell out the $2000 dollars for the ticket so that we can meet and get a chance to decide if this is real. He will return back to the States, but not until January 2001 and that’s a long time to wait. Everything in me is telling me to go but all of my friends think that I have lost my mind. So can you please provide an impartial perspective?
Dear Confused:
Feelings of love should never replace your survival instinct. Please don't go running off to some foreign country all alone to meet a man you know nothing about! Yes, I do believe you have lost your mind. Realistically, just because he SAYS he is in the Navy doesn't mean its true – you have no proof! He could be some kind of slaver, crook, murderer or pimp! You are caught up in a romantic fantasy and not at all thinking clearly. Your best keep your butt here where you have protection of family, friends and laws. When he gets here if you are still interested and available, then hook up. If not, oh well! He ain't hardly the only man in the world, so don't act so desperate.
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