Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am a 29 year old professional web developer, dating a 43 year old woman on and off for the past year. Lately things have been more serious and I truly care about her (although there are issues with children - she has 3 grown and I have none and want at least one which she is unable to have). We get along fine, never argue. Our one MAJOR problem - my mother!
I wouldn’t call myself a "momma’s boy", but I am her only son which makes matters worse in her caring about my well being. She has not approved much of most of my relationships and has always been VERY open in how she feels. When I first started dating my current lady friend, she knew about it but never met her. She finally confronted me about it and ssked "what’s wrong with her?". I said "nothing" then she asked if she was older than me and I said yes. She said "30?" I said "no, she is 43".
Well, basically she freaked and yelled "what’s wrong with you?!". I’m sure you know I did not appreciate it but felt that I should not confront her being that she is my mother and stopped calling her. About 6 months went by and I moved out, and saw my girlfriend's best friend. She asked why I haven’t called my g/f and I said I lost her number and got it again. I called her and went out and ever since things have been going well.
The bottom line is, I would like to discuss this with my mother and try to have a mature conversation with her but I know she will just "blow up" in my face being that I’m her "baby" (UGH). I understand that she worries about me but sometimes she needs to back off and let me live my own life. What I am asking here is what do you think is the best approach to this? Should I be demanding or subdued? I am tired of hiding this for so long and want to get it out in the open.
Signed,
Tired of the Apron Strings
Dear Tired:
Mothers with only one child (especially when the child is a male) ALWAYS tend to hang on too tightly and cause all kinds of grief in their son's lives when he tries to separate (as a mature man should) and stand on his own. I don't know WHY this happens, but I’ve seen this pattern repeated hundreds and hundreds of times. I’ve also seen the pattern cross every racial, educational and socioeconomic class as well.
My man, you are almost 30 years old and your “dating” should be more with an eye to who is right for you long-term than just dating to have fun as you did at 19 or 20. Thirty year old men are usually at the point in their lives where they begin looking at women differently – assessing your mates with an eye to who would be a suitable wife, that special someone to settle down with and create a family. To most young people desirous of having a family, the issue of children is non-negotiable. Since you claim to want children of your own some day and know this woman cannot have them, why waste your time? This could be a major stumbling block to your future happiness with this much older woman, and one reason I am having a hard time understanding why you long to continue this relationship so badly.
So, I’m forced to ask how much of your rebelliousness and stubbornness about this woman is strictly due to your desire to buck your mother's long-standing interference, and how much is really due to love for your partner and a strong desire to be with THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN? Sure she is a great woman and all that, but couldn’t the qualities you enjoy be found in someone who is on page you are in the book of life?
Don’t get me wrong! I am not siding with your Mom's and don't appreciate nor comprehend her motives for insisting on keeping you so close. I also believe it was inappropriate for Mom to be so disapproving of every single woman you dated. It was also a mistake for you, at 28 years of age, to stop calling a woman you enjoyed just because your mother freaked out! At some point Momma has got to step back and give you the room to do your thing and find someone that makes YOU happy. Your mother needs to understand that you have needs as an adult male that she cannot fulfill as your mother! She also needs to understand that doesn't have to love your partner or wife - you do. Your mother needs to understand that you are now a man and she will no longer be the #1 woman in your life nor your arms. That privilege is reserved for a lover, a sex partner, a wife - NOT YOUR MAMA.
Once Mom understands that you still love her and that there is no need to feel threatened that your woman will take you away she'll be all right. Mom has work to do with accepting her new rank in your life and letting go of the apron strings that are holding you back. You will have to set out for her your needs and goals for your current relationship in a no-nonsense fashion so that she truly understands that you are a man (no longer “her baby”), as well as her new role in your world.
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