Mama's Boy at Ground Zero of War Between Mom and Her Man?
by Deborrah Cooper
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I am 48 and my fiancé is 32. We have lived together for 4 years. He had a very nasty divorce and I am widowed, although I was separated at the time of my husband’s death. Last year his ex gave him custody of his two kids, ages 12 & 14. My son who is 24 lives at home and does not work - he is a problem. Lately my fiancé seems very unhappy when he comes home. He is a truck-driver. He is always upset about something my son has done or the way the house is. His ex got married the other day and he went out to the bar without taking me. I own my house.
My question is how can I tell if he wants to be here or if his back is just against the wall because he has his kids and he is an over the road truck driver and needs someone to take care of them. He used to be very loving and romantic before we had the kids but now it seems all we do is argue and there is mass confusion when he comes home. Also he is on me about my son constantly. He didn’t want the divorce from his ex and now I am feeling like second best and insecure about my age.
Signed,
Is There a Relationship Here?
Dear Is There:
Sure there is, but there won't be soon if you don't take action! It seems to me that the problem is primarily YOUR ADULT SON ACTING LIKE A BABY AND YOU ALLOWING IT. Your man works very, very hard. He is only 7 years older than your son, yet he is a father, a parent, a lover, and holds down a demanding job. Don't you see the vast difference in expectations and maturity here?
I have seen many marriages and otherwise good relationships torn apart because women do not discipline their children - both minors and adults. Men are disgusted by that type of behavior and for some reason most of the women cannot see what they are doing to blow their relationships apart by these behaviors. It is not that you are doing your son a favor allowing this type of thing! You are turning him into a lazy, shiftless, irresponsible user. So you need to ask yourself, why are you allowing a 24-year-old man to live at home and not work or contribute to the household in any way? He is a mama's boy and your man has less respect for you for allowing this, and none for a grown man that pimps his mother for a place to live and food to eat.
Your man is feeling very pressured by the lifestyle change (having his children there), the increased financial and personal responsibility, and doesn’t see where anything is coming in the way of help from the other MAN of the house. Evidently the boy doesn't even help clean up the house he is freeloading in! I believe that I'd be resentful and pissed off too.
I seriously doubt your current conflicts have anything to do with your age. Why don't you sit down with your son and tell him that he has 45 days to (1) get a job and start paying for room and board if he wants to stay there; or (2) get a job and move out. Tell him that after 40 days transpire you will expect to know which he will be doing. Honey, your son is not a child and you really should be tired of treating him like one.
As your fiancé was there BEFORE the kids came to live with you, I fail to see why you think he is merely there for you to take care of them. Secondly, anytime our former mates marry it causes us to flash back to when times were good with that person. We have emotions connected with our first love that NEVER go away; they always hold a special place in our heart just because they were first. Again, this has something to do with his recent upset, but that is neither the sole nor the primary problem.
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